Sirius Black's Siriusly Seventh Year Short Stories
by 1-More-Writer
Summary: BEING REVISED Read my entries of seventh year as I observe James Potter and Lily Evans, as they fight, yell, quarrel and then find love. I am The Great Sirius Black and I am sexy.
1. Introduction

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Authoress Announcement: In this story, Peter Pettigrew is an important character too! Though he did betray Lily and James, he would have been nice enough. Anyway, he plays a good character here- quite important, and he's not too dimwitted or slow on the uptake- he's intelligent!

Xxx

Introductory ranting: Observation: Lily Evans and James Potter are meant to be TOGETHER. Small problem: The former does not realize that and the latter cannot stay in the former's presence without making a fool of himself- as if he isn't one already. An excerpt from the notebook of Sirius Black when he was in seventh year. Why am I referring to myself in third person? _Well, the most common reason would be that you are deranged. _Bugger off Moony. As I was saying, we need to fix 'em up. **_We? _**Oh, hey Wormtail, even you're there. _**Of course, I am, and what do you mean "we"? Because I'm not having my arm broken again. **He's right you know Padfoot. _Bugger off you two, and yes its "we". Don't you want the credit for helping me out? _The last time "we" tried to set them up, Wormtail ended up with a broken arm and it was me who made the potion, and you were lounging about on you're lazy arse telling us to HURRY UP. **Guys? The readers are out there you know? **_Right y'are Wormy-kins. **_Don't call me that! _**Oh bugger off.

Now that the pests are out of the way- **_we're standing right here listening to every word!_**- let's get down to business. My new plan for the year, is named Recordings And Observations By The Great Sexy Sirius Black Who Is Observing The Prat James Potter And The Unyielding Perfect Head Girl Lily Evans, also known as Plan RAOBTGSSBWIOTPJPATUPHGLE! _**Padfoot? Could you name your plan something more practical? And preferably a name EASIER to say? **You took the sentence out of my mouth Peter. _Another name? How 'bout Sirius the Sexy? _It has nothing to do with James or Lily. _Right. How about The Elephant and the Nude Man? **_Are you referring to Lily as an "elephant"? Because she's not going to like it. And James is not nude, at least not at the moment. _**Right.

_Shut up Padfoot. Peter, how about "Sirius Black's Siriusly Seventh Year Short Stories"? There. You happy Sirius? It includes you, and furthermore we're in seventh year and also since you're going to have an observation for each month, we can make it a story, thereby ensuring that the title is appropriate. _I lost you on Peter.

With each observation comes an interesting proverb. _And unfortunately, many of the proverbs were made by you, which means they aren't proverbs at all, merely foolish sayings. _Merlin. Bugger off Moony. Hey Peter! That's MY chocolate!

Xxx

**Sirius Black's Siriusly Seventh Year Short Stories:**

**Introduction:**

I am Sirius Orion Black. Uh…make that _The Great _Sirius Orion Black.

As Moony insisted on a "proper informative introduction", I'll sit and write one, and cancel my snogging session with that sexy Hufflepuff. I hope it will affect your conscience Moony! For anyone who actually needs an introduction out there- not that you would, because, as I'm so dashingly handsome and so charming and witty, I'm SO popular- I'm six-foot two, and have got the most gorgeous, muscular bod ever. I have stylish black hair, that is NEVER out of place, and the most lovely grey eyes, that can make the girls swoon. See! That sixth year Gryffindor chick just swooned! An example of my sexiness just came in handy.

I passionately LOATHE the Dark Arts, Slytherins, cream cake without chocolate sauce, a bad hair day, bad breath…oh the list can go on.

Anyway! The reason why I have this book in the first place, is because I am going to carefully note Prongs's pitiful attempts to get the Head Girl Lily Evans, to go out with him, because she has eluded that lovesick git's grasp for six years! And of course, I'll make suggestions to James, etc. etc.

And as Moony pointed out, this book should focus more on James and Lily than on ME! Moony how could you! You've deserted me! Betrayed me! Tortured me! Hey is that chocolate? Oi you little first year bugger- gimme that!

(A few seconds later)

I think that little midget has wet his pants from being scared. Wormtail did that once in first year. Anyway, this chocolate tastes good.

Coming back to what I was saying- what was I saying anyway? I'll backtrack and come back to you later.

Xxx

(Three hours, thirty minutes and sixty seconds later)

Oh yes! I finally found out what I was talking about! James and Lily. James Potter, my best mate and this year's Head Boy, six foot two, messy black hair, hazel eyes…

Lily Evans, Head Girl, five foot nine, dark red hair- which Prongs describes as thick and gorgeous. If he wasn't lovesick about Evans, I'd say he was gay- emerald green eyes- Prongs has written a poem about them; could he be a poof?- and a vicious temper…

Oh and guess what? James is madly in love with Lily. When I say madly I mean MADLY. He behaves like a lovesick git around her. But you know, when they're together- here I mean James saying some cheesy chat lines and Lily yelling at him- they look so cute together. _Oh Merlin! _Did I just say "so cute"? Wait. I'll have to go snog some chick to ensure my masculinity is publicized. Whatever that means.

Xxx

(Thirty minutes later)

That was a surprisingly short snog session. Still, we heard footsteps, and she couldn't risk it. When I say "we", I mean myself and that Ravenclaw girl. I can't remember her name.

I have made an important discovery! I NEED to set up my snog schedule. Yesterday, I was scheduled to do Shanna Westers, but I snogged Linda Saunders instead.

**Sirius Black's Snog Schedule: **(Hey, that's an alteration, or whatever that word that came out of Moony's big gob was!)

**Monday: 10:00 pm- Jessica Shaw- Broom closet on third floor**

**11:00 pm- Caryn Conway- Astronomy Tower**

**Tuesday: 9:30 pm- Marie Rivers- Astronomy Tower**

**10:15 pm- Natalie Shaw- Broom closet on third floor **

**11:00 pm- Natasha Shaw- Astronomy Tower**

**Wednesday: 10:30 pm- Clarissa Grant- Astronomy Tower**

**Thursday: 11:00 pm- Katie Danner- Broom closet on second floor**

**11:45 pm- Jen Legge- Broom closet on seventh floor **

**Friday: 11:45 pm- Lyra Norton- Astronomy Tower**

**12:00 pm- Lyssa Norton- Broom closet on third floor**

Done! That's an achievement overcome! (Hey that rhymed! Just like "closet" and "Lyssa"!)

Anyway, Lily (I like to call her _THE _Red Head) has just finished her forty five minute yelling session at James…in front of the entire common room…and all the occupants have removed their ear-muffs…and Lily has stormed back to her dorm…and James is now having a face like a smacked arse…

Hmm…I'd better go and cheer him up…where's Snivelly's picture, so that I can conjure unripe tomatoes to pelt it with? James, my man- join me!

Xxx

**Remus Lupin's and Peter Pettigrew's view on Sirius Black's entry:**

_Oh Merlin! I tell him to write an introduction, and what do I get? Unnecessary ranting and raving from that obnoxious git!_

_**You were expecting it Moony.**_

_Yes…but still! And let WHAT affect my conscience? That that prat couldn't snog, but instead spent his time more productively instead of sticking his tongue down that girl's throat?_

_**Pass me that basin- I need to puke my insides out. "Charming"? "Witty"? Him? Padfoot's ego is as inflamed as a Droobles Gum bubble.**_

_Good one Wormtail. "Muscular bod"? That's grammatically incorrect! Is it going to kill him if he writes "body"? That's just ONE letter extra! And that Gryffindor sixth year fainted because her friend shot a spell at her! And how the HELL have I "betrayed" him? This book IS supposed to comment about Prongs and Lily! Instead Padfoot goes and rants about HIMSELF. Oh god._

**_I know. And I did NOT wet my pants in first year! Sirius poured some water on my trousers! And how is saying "cute" un-masculine? _**

_I suggest you go ask Padfoot. A SNOG schedule! Oh, for the love of Merlin! And I do NOT have a big gob, and I think he means "alliteration"!_

_**A SNOG SCHEDULE! Calm down. Deep breaths…deep breathing- oh sod it! Padfoot you perverted, obnoxious git! **_

"_Jessica Shaw", "Natalie Shaw", "Natasha Shaw"? Don't they happen to be _sisters_? Just HOW can Padfoot think of snogging SISTERS? It's…it's improper! I mean- they're sisters for crying out loud! _

_**I'm thinking the same thing Moony. And he's also snogging the Norton sisters- on the same bloody day!**_

_And "Lyssa" and "closet" do NOT rhyme. I think Padfoot, being an unfortunately sadistically perverted prat, is suggesting that the name "Lyssa" brings an image of a "closet". Is it a MUST that he HAS to be perverted?_

_**I'm sure James is NOT going to like being described as having a face "like a smacked arse". **_

_I don't know why we're so worked up about the "Introduction". I mean, it IS Sirius we're talking about here. And furthermore_

**_When you say Sirius, you mean an unfortunately sadistically perverted, food addicted, git having a brain the size of a flea._**

_Exactly Peter, except he doesn't HAVE a brain._

_**Right. D'ya think we should show this to James?**_

_I think he might find it out anyway. And if he does, he can write his feelings below our view. And "Snivelly"? We are seventeen year olds now! Is there even a reason to call someone "snivelly"? It reminds me of snot!_

_**Uh…Moony? That's exactly the reason why James and Sirius even chose that name in the first place.**_

_I know…I know._

**_Okay. Now gimme your Astronomy homework._**

_The change in subject is abrupt, and NO I'm NOT going to lend you my homework so that you can shamelessly copy it, because you were too lazy to do it earlier._

_**Too late for the sermon Moony. Sirius has it, and I'm copying it after him.**_

_WHAT?_

(The above introduction is sadly ended, owning to the fact that one sandy haired, intellectual boy is chasing a chubby, brown haired boy around the Common Room.)

Xxx


	2. September Part I

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Sorry for the late update!

Xxx

'September- Part I.'

The Train Ride & Back to Hogwarts:

The train ride was highly eventful and excellent. I started the academic year- okay, well nearly the academic year- by planting a few dungbombs in the Slytherin's compartment where Snivellus- the slimy git and target of nearly _all _my pranks- was. Added bonus? Lucius Malfoy, the guy I love to hate; his _girlfriend_ and unfortunately my cousin, Narcissa Black; Rudolphus Lestrange, who will definitely die for that nutter Voldemort; _his_ girlfriend and even more unfortunately, _my _psychotic cousin, Bellatrix Black; and last but definitely not the last on my "Love to Hate" list, my younger _brother_, _darling_ Regulus, were all there, and _kazam!_, they all are now stinking like a puddle of vomit combined with some of my mother's cooking (which, for the record, tastes worse than crap and smells like shit).

A sad fact was that Rabastan Lestrange, Rudolphus's brother, managed to escape being stink-bombed, owing to the fact that he was skulking outside the compartment. Oh well. Better luck next time, and anyway, Prongs and Wormtail managed to hex him. Note: The former got yelled at by the love of his life, Lily Evans, later on, after she found out.

Observation: Said love of James' life seems to resent James cursing Slytherins.

Observation 2: Unfortunately, do not think James can be rid of habit. Sorry Evans. Guess you'll have to live with that particular quality in your future boyfriend and husband.

Note to Remus and Peter (for I know you'll read this excellent entry): _Yes, _Prongsie and Lilykins _will _get together. Never fear!

Anyway, on to the most interesting part of the train ride.

The Prefects Meeting.

This year's meeting will be marked as the Most Eventful Prefects Meeting Ever In The History of All Prefects Meetings. Why? 'Coz Prongsiekins became Headboy!

I'll wait while the reader recovers from a fainting fit.

Yes, my best friend and fellow prankster James Potter, _the _James Potter who broke five hundred and seventy five school rules in one day just to see how many rules he could break, became Head Boy.

When I saw his letter and his badge, I fainted, and Prongs was already on the floor by then. It took eleven buckets of water to recover Prongs.

Back to the point; Prongs being Head Boy meant that he'd have to attend the Prefect meeting for once, which also meant cancelling my plans for stink-bombing the Prefects' compartment. Oh well, you can't have everything.

Of course I was extremely nervous, in case my best friend became a goody-two shoes or something like that.

Turns out I shouldn't have worried. Prongs and Wormtail, after all, hexed Rab-_ass_-tan so badly that he's now pink striped with grey and, and a few other additions.

So anyway, back to the Prefects' Meeting. James walked to the prefects' compartment a little _too_ ahead of time. I mean, come on. Exactly one minute and two seconds before the appointed time is a bit too much right? But anyway, I guess I know why Prongs did so. After all, Lily Evans, object of all Prongs's affections, etc. etc., was _definitely_ the Head Girl. It was _so_ obvious. Turns out that Evans hadn't turned up yet when we (the Marauders) entered the compartment, so Wormtail and I were helping ourselves to a few- okay, okay, the _whole_ bunch of chocolate frogs which were in a bowl and tossing the cards to Moony- he's actually interested in the history of all those dead guys or important guys or whatever- and James was grumbling about the fact that Wormtail and I were hogs. As _if!_ I tried to tell him he was wrong, which was kinda hard considering that I had five chocolate frogs in my mouth, when the compartment door slid open, and _The _Red Head entered.

Prongs promptly ran a hand through his hair and smiled charmingly. I, however, stuffed another frog in my mouth and greeted Lily:

'Whufsh uf Evansh?', meaning, "what's up Evans?".

Red Head, however, glared at me disgusted, probably due to the fact that I had six chocolate frogs in my mouth, and was attempting to talk without swallowing, according to Remus. Intelligent nut.

SO, anyway, Lilykins told me, Peter and Jamesipoo to beat it (always put the donkey at the end!) because we weren't prefects and all that jazz- according to her anyway.

Here, James fake-coughed a lot of times, and looked pointedly down at his badge.

Evans instantly gasped, before admitting her undying passion for James and rambled in awe, about how clever and handsome he was, and how she had been playing hard to get, before the two engaged in a passionate snog…_Not._

Okay, what really happened, was that Lily clapped a hand to her mouth, and stuttered, "P-potter, y-…_you're ­ _H-head…"

She couldn't even complete that sentence, because the next second she fainted. Peter and I gaped, because come on, who would faint just by finding out that _James Potter _had become _Head _Boy? Granted James and I did, but that's different. Remus looked on calmly.

Lily would have hit the floor, if not for James, who, in a very Romeo-ish style, caught her around the waist, in such a way that his face was directly over _hers_.

'Lily? Lily?' He said in that worried voice which of course proves that he is in _complete_ and _total_ love with her.

Fortunately or unfortunately (for James), Lily regained consciousness and seeing James' face directly over her's was probably not a welcome sight.

'Lily, are you ok-' James was genuinely worried, but he never got to finish his sentence.

'OW! Crap, crap, crap!' James jerked away from Lily, rubbing his shin, which Lily had kicked, _hard. _I must add that Lily has taken self-defence classes from age ten, and when she kicks, she can kick hard. Believe me- I've learnt the hard way.

Evans managed to regain her balance. James was still whining about his shin. Pansy.

'What did you do that for?' James asked.

Red Head for a strange seemed a bit flustered, but she replied coolly. 'Seeing your face directly above mine is _not_, repeat _not_ my cup of tea, Potter.'

'Coming back to the subject?' Peter interrupted.

'What _was_ the subject anyway?' Lily and James said at the same time. (Of course James' sentence involved inserting "bloody" before subject, but whatever).

'The subject was Lily reacting to James saying that he was Head Boy.' Remus said.

'Oh yeah, Potter being Head- wait-H-head…' Again Lily didn't complete her sentence, because she fainted again, this time right into James' arms.

Man I'm getting _so_ used to this.

Xxx

(Great Hall)

Oh man. It's so good to be back. Back home that is. I mean, my second home. My first home will always be Prongs' house, 'coz there you can wreck everything in sight and not get put in detention- though that might take the fun out of it- and also of course due to Mrs. Potter's delicious food. _And_ she makes it without magic, _and_ without the help of house elves. Can you believe it?

Surprised that I'm staying at my best friend's house? Don't be. See, till fifth year, I stayed in the hell hole. The domain of Dark Arts. The House of Horrors. The Realm of Wretchedness. In simpler words- No. 12, Grimmauld Place, London, or simply- Black House. "Black House". A name given by my _dear_ mother. Who is in fact a psychotic cow whose only aim in life is to screech bloody murder at everyone who is

not a pureblood.

not supportive of Dark Arts.

supportive of the fact that muggleborns have a right to live.

So yeah, she hates more than half of the wizarding population. Well, she was the main reason I ran away to James' house, and yes I know that people out there might raise their eyebrows at my describing my mother as a "psychotic cow" but in fact I'm far too kind in my description; she is in fact, a Dark Arts obsessing, pureblood-loving, mudblood-hating psychotic B-I-T-C-H, and is the main reason why I read the obituaries in the Daily Prophet everyday.

SO back to the subject. What was the subject?

Note to Remus: Here I know my loopy friend will comment on my lack of memory but I will show him! I _will _remember what I was talking- er, writing about even if it kills me! I will…er…I will turn back a few pages and see what I was actually writing about? Hee, hee.

Oh yeah, I was talking about how great it was to be back, yadda, yadda fudge. Which reminds me: I'd better compliment the house elves on their cooking. They'll usually serve something yum for breakfast that way.

Anyway, old Dumbles- Professor Albus Dumbledore to the prudes out there- started his speech with the four words: Chaos, 'Duffled, Lump and Fuss, and I swear he keeps getting cleverer everyday. Then after we ate- which took a short time, and I'm proud to say I beat Peter at who-can-stuff-the-most-food-in-his-mouth-and-not-get-sick- Dumbly introduced the Heads, and James didn't notice that I'd reworded his badge to "Head Bum". Red Head said a few words, coughspeechcough, and James was blankly nodding, staring at her arse rather than listening. Good boy James, I'm proud of ya.

Xxx

First Day:

I hate Moony. I _really _hate him.

Why?

Because he actually kicked me out of bed, and splashed _cold_ water on my face till I threatened to shove my wand up his arse. And he just glared at me, waving his own wand in my face and telling me to get my lazy arse out off bed and into the bathroom before _he_ carried out _my _threat on _me._ I'm so depressed. Sniff.

Well, after I _finally_ got ready- the _finally_ according to Moony, only though, 'cause I know I take a remarkably short time in the bathroom. Honestly. Fourty five minutes and three and a half seconds was the _very_ short time, in which I brushed my teeth, and bathed while singing my version of the school song, while Moony yelled at me through the door to hurry up. Sodding prude.

I am writing this in Transfiguration- second class- and McGonagall has been sending me weird looks because she believes I'm taking _notes._

_Hah. _She actually believes that I, the Great Sirius Black who has note taken notes down (I said _taken,_ not _passed_) since the first class of Transfiguration in first year (My adorably handsome eleven-year old self was bullied by Remus to take down _notes_) would actually take notes nao.

Moony is glaring at me not-so-subtly, because the nosy prat is reading what I am saying.

_Padfoot, I am not a "nosy prat" and never will be. And further more, I'm glaring at you because you've spelt "now" wrong. It's "now" not "nao" you brainless bugger._

_Padfoot are you actually taking _notes _down?_

_Prongs, I'm proud of you. You've actually taken your eyes off Lily's behind for the amazing amount of five seconds, to pen this down._

_Oh. Er, thanks Moony._

_Prongs? I was being sarcastic._

Sod off Moony. Prongs I hate you. You actually thought that _I_ would take notes down? Whaddaya take me for? Some kinda prudish arse like Moony?

_Mr. Moony would like to point out that "prudish" is not a word and that Mr. Padfoot is exceedingly rude to Mr. Moony._

_Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to point out that Mr. Padfoot is an ugly git._

Hey!

**_Delayed reaction there Padfoot._**

_Hey Wormtail! So you're joining our note-passing session then?_

_**Well, McGonagall's lecture on the theory of the Conjuring spell **_**is_ really boring._**

Hey! How come YOU guys are writing in MY book?

_Any objections Padfoot? My offer of sticking my wand up your arse can still be carried out._

Moony mate! Your language is simple excellent! Carry on passing notes- it really delights me!

_Thank you, thank you very much._

_**You're talking- er, writing like that Prestty guy you were rambling about.**_

_Elvis Presley, Wormtail- Presley._

_**Same difference.**_

_For a person from a wizarding background, yes. But even spelling wise, PresTTy and PresLEy are-_

_Mr. Prongs would like to point out that Mr. Moony's lecture on grammar and spelling is a waste of ink and parchment and also that it is boring the other three of us…or them. Whatever._

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Prongs.

**_Someone's passed us a note._**

Yes. That's right. Maybe its some sexy chick who is awed by my hot and sexy body and wants to snog me sensel-

**_Black, if you even complete writing that I. Will. Maim. You. Now read the damn note I sent you while I withdraw myself from your little note-passing session, and actually _listen_ to Professor McGonagall._**

That was Evans wasn't that? God Prongs I don't know WHAT you see in her.

**_Probably a tight ass._**

Wormtail! When did YOU start talking about female body parts?

_Guys, I think you'd better read Lily's note because it is really important._

_Yeah, yeah, yeah Moony. Maybe she's finally confessed her undying love for me._

Shut it Prongs. Now what's the Red Head written?

**_Black, Potter, Pettigrew and Remus,_**

_**I would like to write that you're note passing session is highly horrible as you're not paying attention to what Professor McGonagall has to say. Also, said professor has noticed your note passing session and is currently standing next to Black's desk, but that prat, being as prat-tish as he is, has not noticed.**_

_**Lily**_

_**ps: No Potter, I will not go out with you.**_

Hah! What a joke! Evans will not intimidate me with that stupid gag! Professor McGonagall is actually standing and giving us a totally useless lecture, while she dreams of Dumbledore whom she loves and has a secret affair wit-

'Black, you'd better not complete writing that.' A voice says. I look up, only to see the extremely angry face of my Transfiguration Professor, Minerva McGonagall.

Uh oh.

Xxx


End file.
